With the historical presidential elections around just the corner, amid the endless trail of hyperbole and mass media, we wondered… “What would we find in Donald Trump’s or Hillary Clinton’s self-storage unit? ” So we did a little brainstorming and research and came up with a top ten list that will forever change the self-storage blog industry.
- “Nasty Women Vote” Campaign Paraphernalia
With the unprecedented mud slinging in this election, it is fitting that one of the famous campaign slogans was a response to Donald Trump. Elizabeth Warren, the Massachusetts senator took Trump’s comment about Clinton being a “nasty woman,” and it became a slogan to promote votes for Hillary. There’s a good chance that Hillary took a few of these buttons and hats and stored them away to be sold on EBAY in 40 years.
- Astronaut Memorabilia
In 1961 a young Hillary Clinton wrote a letter to NASA asking what she can do to become an astronaut. NASA responded that no women were being accepted into the program. A pretty sad story, and it is quite eye opening that in the not-too-distant-past sexism was so much more prevalent. We’re happy that there have been female astronauts since then, and we’re guessing Hillary Clinton might store a zero gravity suit in her storage unit in Chappaqua, NY.
- Creepy Clogs and Doll
If you go to the William J. Clinton Presidential Center you will notice a section with memorabilia from Hillary’s younger life. I’m not sure if I watched too many Twilight Zone episodes, but the combination of this doll and clogs seriously gives me the willies. I can only guess there are more of these creepy dolls that fill the boxes of Clinton’s self-storage units.
- Old Elephant Dolls
Hillary Clinton was actually a republican supporter! At least in 1964 she supported the campaign of Barry Goldwater who was a Republican Presidential nominee. This is pure speculation, but during that time Hillary Clinton may have been hoarding elephant dolls to support the Republican cause. Maybe Hillary and Donald can make a trade (see Trump item #7).
- Email Servers and Computer Equipment
One of the biggest scandals of Hillary’s presidential campaign has been her use of private email server during her tenure as Secretary of State. Her detractors have accused her of using those email servers to conceal potentially incriminating evidence or risking the exposure of classified information. I think Hillary might just be a closet tech-geek and loves DIY electronics and customized computer configurations. I wouldn’t be surprised to see more computers and Internet servers soldering-guns and acetylene torches in her self-storage unit.
- State of Ohio
Ohio has traditionally been an important swing state in U.S. Presidential elections, and this year is no exception. Could she find a unit big enough to store the state of Ohio?
- Super Delegates
Loyal Bernie supporters sure “feel the Bern” when it come to their paltry count of 31 super delegates to Hillary’s 469. Being that Hillary has a plethora of super delegate votes, I’m sure she didn’t keep them all in the house, and some of them most be hanging out in the storage facility.
- Smashed Blackberries
I could’ve sworn that smashed blackberries were a type of cocktail and I was right!
However it was also another scandal during this election. During the course of investigating Hillary’s email server, the FBI discovered that 2 of Hillary’s Blackberry smartphones that accesed her private email server, had been smashed with a hammer. There were a total of 13 phones, so I’m sure there is some Blackberry margarita mix tucked away in Hillary’s storage unit.
- Marine Uniform
In 1975 Hillary attempted to enlist in the Marines, but was denied. Some speculated that this was a political maneuver, but I give people the benefit of the doubt. I think Hillary could’ve been a decorated Marine Officer, and she probably has a Marine Halloween costume somewhere in her self-storage.
- Girl Scout Uniform
What could be a better place to start as politicians then as a squeaky clean Girl Scout? Hillary was such a dedicated member, that up through the 1990s she would sometimes wear her uniform to school in the 9th grade! There are rumors that she would grab that uniform out of her self-storage, and sell Samoas just for old time sakes. Although that last rumor is completely unsubstantiated.
- Hair Product Stash
Though this may seem like a low blow, or rather an illegal elbow strike to the top of the head, it has been popular speculation for years that the Donald’s golden locks might not be his own. Self-storage is undoubtedly a fitting place to stash his toupee collection, if he wishes to conceal his secret.
- Tons Of Money
Literally tons of money is what The Donald is evaluated at. $1 billion weighs in at approximately 20,000 pounds, and Trump has been evaluated at $3.2 billion by Forbes. Say what you will about the chap, Donald knows how to stack that paper. I bet he’s run out of FDIC insured banks to leave his fortune in, so I bet he’s got some wads in storage like Scrooge McDuck. It’s probably in his home town storage unit in Queens, NY. Does Bader Insurance cover a $1 billion loss?
An extremely hot topic of national debate has been the Federal Policy on gun control. Although Trump doesn’t strike me as a gun enthusiast, he has taken a hard stance to uphold the second amendment. Given that Trump has some spending cash, it isn’t hard to imagine he doesn’t have at least a few 9 mm GLOCKs or AK-47s stocked up in the self-storage unit. Note: Most self-storage companies prohibit the storage of loaded weapons and hazardous substances.
- Trump: The Game
A few of you may remember that Donald Trump actually had a board game. Being a master of humility and creativity, it was dubbed “Trump: The Game.” Apparently one can still purchase one of these pieces of Americana on Amazon.com, check out these reviews because they are hilarious. If Trump doesn’t have one of these in his self-storage unit, “he’s fired.”
- Deflated Footballs and New England Patriots Jerseys
Fun fact. Trump almost purchased the New England Patriots in the 80s. Trump decided to say no to the deal because he thought the team was not going to be profitable enough. Given the Pats success since then, the fans of New England are probably happy that this Trump said no to the deal. Nevertheless, lets continue down the rabbit hole of wild speculation. Rumor has it, that if you look into one of Donald Trump’s storage unit, you will find hundreds of footballs that are suspiciously easier to throw and catch, along with some Tom Brady jerseys.
- Old Donkey Dolls
Just like Hillary, the Donald used to support the other party. Trump used to be a Democrat supporter, and even said Hillary Clinton would “make a good president” in 2008. In 2005 Hillary and Bill attended Trump’s wedding. Trump has even said that he identifies more with the Democrats! Obviously Trump isn’t too loyal to political parties and is using the platform of the Republican Party to become President. He probably still has all his democratic Donkey Dolls stored away in case he switches parties again.
- Extra Cement
First there was “Four score and seven years ago…” Then there was “The wall just got ten feet higher.” American history was turned on its toupee when Donald announced his plan to build a wall between the United States and Mexico. However the actual logistics to make this possible, minus the politics, is mind-boggling. The Mexican/US border is 1,989 miles long, and would require 21.7 billion pounds of cement according to Bill Palmer Jr of Concrete Construction. I guess Trump will have to use some of his self-storage space to hold some of that cement, cause that’s quite a lot. Note: Although the Great Wall of China is still longer which is 5,500 miles long.
- The Donald’s Failed Businesses
Throughout Donald’s business career, he had some successes but also many less publicized failures as well. Some of his business failures include Trump Airlines, the Trump Taj Mahal, Trump Beverages, Trump Magazine, Trump Steaks, and GoTrump.com a travel website. I wonder how he decided to name some of these ventures. Many Hillary fans have said the website should be called GoTrumpYourself.com, but I’ll leave that kind of accusation to a less reputable publication to print. I’m sure Trump has a special place where he stored away some memories from these failed businesses.
The world finally found out how much Obama cared about the world with Obamacare, and now Trump is going to spoil the party and take it away. We know Trump opposes Obamacare and on his campaign said he would take it and store it away to the darkest part of his self-storage buildings.